A few weeks ago I had the realization that I would soon be a mother to three strapping boys.
I felt overwhelmed, I felt terrified. I stood there in my kitchen starring at Corbyn's learning time calendar and thought....how on earth will I be a good mom to three kids? How will there be enough hours in the day to teach, to have fun, to care for basic physical needs? How will I be patient with three when I am getting no sleep? How will baby blue's be (please tell me not as bad as last time)? How will I wake up every morning excited to whisk Corbyn off to the bus, care for Ty with his morning grumpies, and feed/change/cuddle a new helpless little boy.
Some call this a breakdown....
I felt scared.
Well that's an understatement, I was really really scared. One of those moments when we are brutally honest with ourselves and start thinking-there is no stinking way this is going to work.
Faith and fear can't be friends right? I prayed hard for a few days.
As it turns out God can change even the most dreadful of thoughts into something with far less dread and much more faith.
My friend Wendi had her baby. As I sat there holding that perfect little girl my heart filled with warmth and encouragement. He told me I could do it, he gave me more faith...a sweet and precious gift. I felt like the whole experience was a faith booster shot. Hearing of Wendi's experience and her faith strengthened mine. . . gave me hope that this might just work.
Then I went to the doctor and measured small (I was not scared, I was thrilled. Another ultrasound, hooray!) As I sat there in that quiet room, an amazing thing happened. I saw that perfect beating heart and was overwhelmed. I am a woman, and I get to carry a child, I didn't even have to miscarry this time to get a beautiful baby. Then he scanned over to the face and I sat and looked at Jay and he sat and looked at me (in theory) and all my fears were gone....whoosh. It was like I stepped into a warm "take all your problems away" bath. Suddenly nothing else mattered, I didn't care about my aches, my swollen legs, my larger body, my fears of labor, my dread of post-par tum. His little spirit filled me with hope, and it was the answer to prayer.
I can't wait to meet him.
12 comments:
Heather,
What would it be like to measure small? I don't think I will ever know that feeling! But I think I would have the same excitement to have another ultrasound as you did:)It is amazing the connection a Mother has with her baby even while he's cookin'!
I had the same feelings when I found out that I was pregnant with Julia (my fourth) when Matthew (my third) was only four months old! I cried for about a week and then an awesome experience like you and I knew it was going to be okay. Amazing how the Lord sees our needs and fills them!
That's a sweet experience, thanks for sharing. I wonder when and if my Mom and mother-in-law had that same overwhelming moment when they had their 6 and 9 kids respectively.
Heather, you are so amazing to me! I think you are one of those moms that are referred to as "Super-Mom!" Your wonderful, sweet family make me so happy to be around. I feel like I am rather absorbed in my own life right now, and I don't have a clue what any of my friends, or other people around me are going through. I'm glad that even if I'm not exactly the most thoughtful of friends at the moment, you could be just a tiny bit uplifted by my un-noticing self. You are so great!!!
I know how you feel with being overwhelmed at the thought of adding a helpless baby to the already crazy mix of life. Isn't it wonderful to have Spirit teach us and take all of care aways? You will be great, even if you don't feel like it :) Thanks for sharing!
I think I have a moment like that at least twice a month. But each time, I, too, have a reassuring moment that helps me feel better. You are the best!! Love you!
Oh Heather! You are so sweet! I love this post. Next time you need reassurance that you are a flippin' awesome mom, just give me a call. I think I've got enough experience to know. :)
I agree with Byers. I would never really know what it is like to measure small but I can see that precious baby and I know you have wonderful friends that will help you and you know I will be there in a heartbeat when you need a friend to cry with or to just have me run over to watch your kids for 5 minutes while you take a break!!! What an amazing mother you are now and I know you are only going to get better
Oh, Heather. I felt like I was reading my own journal reading this post. Isn't it amazing how well our Heavenly Father knows us, and how he can touch our hearts and reassure us in ways that nobody else can? Such a tender mercy. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I, unfortunately, have these moments all the time. I thought that they would go away once Tyler came and I got settled into the addition. The problem is, the settling in is taking a lot longer than it ever has before, and I'm still wondering how and when I'll ever be able to do everything that I want/need to do. Someday...
Anyway, thank you for making my day brighter and for sharing this. You are truly remarkable. I'm so glad that your baby is doing well. Enjoy this last trimester! It'll go by so fast, I'm sure. And...happy (late, so very late) birthday, bella! I swear I left a comment earlier wishing you happy birthday, but I probably got interrupted and never posted it. Happy Birthday, my friend!
I loved this post. I am really excited for you and don't doubt your mothering abilities in the slightest. You amaze me with all you do. I am waiting for that same peace/reassurance to comfort me. I am hitting the breakdown mode. Maybe that's because I am running today on 5 hours of sleep last night and the newborn isn't even here yet!
Heather--I totally understand your fears! And I think it's okay, too, because you have realistic expectations. And hopefully it won't be as bad as you'd feared! I enjoy my three crazy little boys. I know you will, too! (There are so many boys lately! I know of probably six friends who are having or have had their 3rd boy recently!) Good luck on the end of pregnancy!
thank you for sharing Hun! I have these same feelings. It's hard especially when your own Mother tells you that she is "concerned" about your Mothering skills.(old person filter is shot on my mom... says dumb stuff :P) anyways, thanks, this helps me know what to do as I just started to have these yucky feelings and Kent and I are recently taking steps to work towards being parents. I've been feeling really junky lately and started to believe what my Mom said but all I need is a good friend's helpful words and a little more faith in Heavenly Father and myself. luvs ya! good luck with everything... i know that you will be awesome with three! :)
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